21 at 21

{Twenty-one life lessons learned

in 21 years}

Lessons and truths learned

On my happiest in a field of grass.

Maybe some of these sound like cliché’s. Maybe some of these are the opposite of what you’ve been thinking or experiencing. That’s the uniqueness of life. These are twenty-one life lessons that I’ve learned since 1996. 

1. Life is uncertain and fragile; tomorrow is promised to no one.

You might go to sleep one night, and not wake to your alarm. Maybe get in your car and never reach your destination. “One day” might be closer than you think. Live as if you knew exactly when you will take your last breath. Live as if you know that you will not be around for much longer and see just how your life will change. You will do things that makes you happy and live.

2. Do more of what makes you happy and stop compromising to please others.

By living a life, pleasing others, you are slowly but surely breaking yourself down. Not giving yourself the opportunity to grow. Constantly trying to be like others, to get acceptance from people who are irrelevant on the long run. Give the world what only you can give. Don’t be average, doing average things, having an average life. This life you’re in, is not a rehearsal.

3. Take pictures and videos of everything and everyone, all the time.

One of the biggest regrets that I have, is not having enough photos of my grandparents, family holidays and life growing up. Take videos to keep memories alive. Take pictures to be more than a vague memory. Stop looking at the amount of likes your photos are getting. Don’t measure the memory to the reactions of others. Stop comparing the number of followers you have to others or the number that you follow. Anyone can get 10,000 likes if they want to, but you should know when that becomes fake. If you see something beautiful, comment about it. Let people know that you appreciate it and see the value of it.

Do remember that your entire photo album or SD card does not have to be shared on social media. While removing some of those embarrassing memories from 8 years ago, turn off your notifications, and only keep them on for emails and chat apps.

4. You can learn something from everyone you meet.

Looking down to someone, based on their financial statements, gender, race etc. shows more of your trails than of theirs. Don’t have the set mindset that you can’t gain something from other people. One of the most dangerous attitudes to have is to think that you are clever and smart: a know-it-all. Everyone you meet can teach you a lesson. Maybe how to act, or exactly how not to act.

5.  Always be on time.

I can honestly assure you that your life will be less stressed if you are always on time. Give yourself enough time to get fully prepared. Avoid the rush. If that means sitting under a tree or in your car for 10 extra minutes, let it be. Regather your thoughts, rather than scrambling to get them.

To be early, is to be on time. To be on time, is to be late,

and to be late, is unacceptable.

6. Never mock a pain you haven’t endured.

Don’t give advice on something you have no idea about. Don’t criticize someone for the way they are living, if you haven’t been in that exact same situation. Don’t ever compare your suffering to the suffering of someone else. Don’t tell someone “At least you don’t have cancer”; your lunatic and foolish comments are sometimes intolerable. Don’t boas about your good health, grades and family as if it’s assumed that everyone has that. Stop taking things for granted, because what you assume to be a given, is something someone else is fighting for.

Take a moment to appreciate your health. Health is a crown worn by those

who are healthy, but only seen by those who are ill.

7.  Just because you are alone, does not mean you are lonely.

The loneliest feeling in life, is being surrounded by the wrong people who make you feel worthless. We can’t find happiness anywhere unless we found it in ourselves first. Not everybody gets energy from being around people. Some prefer peace and quiet to listen to the lovely sound of silence. People might not understand this but being completely alone has a force that only a few can truly handle. Understanding that you are good enough all by yourself is the most rewarding realization ever. You don’t need approval from anyone. 

8. Scars are there to show that you survived whatever tried to break you, but not all wounds heal.

Just a pinch of salt on an open wound can deepen the wound to a septic, inevitable hole in your body or soul. Don’t carry salt around to rub into other people’s flesh to make your own scares look better. Truly forgiving takes time and forgetting so much longer. Remember not to go back to what tried to break you. A broken glass can never truly be whole again, but a beautiful mosaic can emerge.

9. Don’t measure your achievements according to the results, but instead measure your input.

Your success should be measured by your input, and not the output. If you gave it your all, that is what you should remember and be proud of.

My brother and I in 1996.

10. Please and thank you’s go a long way

Always say thank you. To everyone, no matter how big or small their action was. A small token of gratitude can get you very far in life.

Ask. Ask for permission rather than forgiveness. The worst response you can get is a “no”.

11. People come and go in your life, but those who stay, will prove to you that they will be there. Don’t make time for people not willing to make time for you.

Time is the most valuable gift you can give someone, don’t waste something so precious on someone that will waste it. A backstabbing friend hurts more than your enemy. Friends from school and friends after school are completely different. People change, and their needs do too. If you are no longer needed, you will just be dropped. A true friend will wait for an honest response to the “how are you” question and wouldn't take “I’m fine” as an answer.

12. People do not necessarily intend to hurt you; they are just following their own heart.

Don’t always look for the mistake in yourself. Surely, you can always improve, but everything is not your fault. Often the “problem” is because we are unable to get a different perspective. Once you understand why someone did what they did, the problem would be much smaller. Remember not to take everything people say to heart. We all sometimes do things without the intention of hurting someone, but then breaking them instead. 

Olympic and Paralympic South African swimmer,
 Natalie du Toit and I in 2011.

13. Be patient with and in life.

God does actually not give us what we ask for, but instead He gives us what we need, when we need it. We don’t understand everything. I still don’t understand why so many things happened, and why some things never happened. But finding peace and serenity in troubled times, will let you somehow see the dim light. Our time does not correlate to His time. Be patient.

14. Only give your opinion if it is necessary and can help in a situation.

Speak your honest mind, when it can be helpful. There are no reasons to say or do things if it puts another person in a bad light, just to make yourself look clever or better.

15. Change is necessary to grow; adaptation is essential.

The only constant element in life, is change. It is inevitable, and should be embraced, rather than fought against. Change yourself, day by day. Change your surroundings, attitude, wardrobe etc. This will show you your capability to grow through changes. Change is always positive, unless you waited too long to change, and are then forced to do so.

My brother, mom and I way back.

16. Always stay the underdog, but know when to rise to the occasion.

Don’t be the big mouth; talking about all your achievements, money and luck. Let people think about you whatever they want to. When the occasion arrives, be the big surprise. Prove them wrong, and let your achievements do the talking.

17. Phone your grandparents as often as possible. You will miss their influence when they are gone.

One of my biggest regrets in my life is not phoning my grandparents while they were still alive. A simple 5-minute conversation about the weather and your daily routine truly adds value to your life. Send them a flower, or pay them a visit, even if they forget who you are. Even though you might be annoyed by them and their old-fashioned mannerisms, the day you wish you had done more, will always haunt you.

18. Not everything happens for a reason.

“Everything happens for a reason” is by far my least favourite saying out there. Ever had a day where you struggle to breathe, feeling weak or in shock and grief? Ever experienced immerse heartbreak? Reading the news and thinking that there are no possible good reasons why that just happened. Bad things happen all the time for no reason other than the fact that we live in a broken world. Pain, heartache, illness, loss and grief are inevitably part of our world, and to expect a reason for everything will break you.

Thinking positive about a situation is also not always the answer. Be realistic. Be true to the situation. Constantly re-evaluate decisions and get a better perspective. You’ve survived 100% of your worst days.

19. Don’t be too brave. Use the resources available to you when you need help.

There is nothing wrong with seeing a therapist every so often. There is nothing wrong with taking an Ibuprofen or anxiety medication if it adds to your life experience. There is nothing wrong with asking for assistance when you are unable to do something. Swallow your pride and ask. Just because you can do something, does not always mean that you should. Don’t go to the GP if you need a specialist. (Note to self)

My brother, father and Iin Lady Grey, South Africa

20. Help and be kind.

Help others. Even if you know that they can’t help you back. Share advice, give food, take someone wherever they need to be. Don’t help because you expect to receive in return. Help because you can make a difference. Life works in a funny circle. If someone asks you how they can repay you, assure them that they will someday help you or someone else. Don’t be driven by making a profit after helping someone. That defeats the purpose. Don’t boast about your charity; for charity is only truly charity if no one knows.

21. Your age is merely a factual representation of how many times you’ve revolved around the sun. It does not correlate how mature you are, or how many difficulties you had to endure to get where you are.

“How can you be sick, why do you need help, why are you not impulsive...?” Don’t allow ignorance and arrogance to sink your ship, “because things like that does not happen to people your age.” We are all going through things that very few, if any, other people will fully comprehend. Don’t let your age be the guide in your life. You do not have to have two degrees by 25. You do not have to be married by 27. Your soul, spirit, maturity and emotional intelligence are not directly linked to your body’s age. I might have already been through more hardship than the average 35-year-old.

“Act your age” is the worst advice anyone could give you.

 Be the age of your soul, and not your bones.

It took me right about 21 years to realize these and to learn these lessons on the hard way. Most of them are in a constant improving process. Without the help of darling friends, family, medical professionals and insulin, I will admit that I would not have been here. It’s a milestone to reach. Nothing is going to change, but nothing will be the same.

Wake up every day asking whether you are the person you want to be. Ask yourself what you have to do to become him or her, and how you can maintain the ideal self.

Feel free to share and comment your thoughts.

So much love, Ané

28.05.2017