Chronically ill Christian
Losing hope; finding hope; keeping hope
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Since the start of Lent, I often thought
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14.04.2017, Easter weekend
Lady Grey, South Africa
Lady Grey, South Africa
As a chronically ill millennial, who believes in Jesus Christ, pressure and demands from the world and within, is on the rise. Losing hope and faith became inevitable to me during dark times. But I kept on walking on the route I knew, and discovered that I was indeed never truly alone.
“Why
doesn't your God heal you? I thought he could do anything? How can your "father" punish you like that, and then you still believe in him..?"
I
hear this so often.
After
my diagnosis of type 1 diabetes among others back in 2010, I kept on asking God why me? I’m not an angel, but I’m surely not the worst person alive. I don’t
deserve to be this ill. I don’t deserve to struggle my way through life. I don’t
deserve to just survive while everyone else is thriving. I don’t deserve all
the terrible things...
But
then again, do we, as human beings, deserve anything? For good or for bad?
I've been dancing with death on several occasions, being unconscious and on life support. Spending days in ICU, with little foresight of improvement, mainly physical,
but also emotional, my thoughts began to wander.
I started questioning God and his presence with me during a storm and in illness. Just like Jesus Christ cried, as written in Matthew 26:46 while being crucified,
I started questioning God and his presence with me during a storm and in illness. Just like Jesus Christ cried, as written in Matthew 26:46 while being crucified,
“My God, my God, why have you
forsaken me?”,
I felt so alone and forgotten. Why do these things happen to me?
Why do I have to be in this all by myself? Why can I not pray to my Father when
I am sick and fragile? How can my Father forsaken me when I am at my weakest? How
can my Father allow all these things to happen to his daughter? How can he allow his world to be such a messed up place with all the upsets and wars? How...
Those
questions remained unanswered for so long. I kept on asking them. Maybe for us to look forward to the Eternal life, and to know that Heaven would be so much better than Earth? Because the world is sinful? I don't know.
I
would visit friends, and they would lay their hands on me and pray for me to be
cured; to be healthy again. Prayer, to me, is the way I get in touch with God most. Some people connect through praise and worship, others through charity work
etc. They would say to me that I should be more faithful, and that I would then be cured. I would quietly beg God to heal me; to take my burdens away.
I remember crying myself to sleep at night, thinking how alone I am without God with me. Praying and beseeching to God to be with me, to guide me in this path of darkness.
This reminds
me of Jesus’s prayer at Gethsemane, the night of the Last Supper and the night before
his crucifixion.
He prayed:
“Abba, Father, everything is possible for you.
Take this cup from me…”
Take this cup from me…”
(Mark 14:36)
Not that I can remotely even compare my “suffering”
to that of Jesus Christ, but that’s how I felt.
For
in Matthew 21 verse 22 it is written: “And whatever you ask in prayer, you will
receive, if you have faith.”
Just
like in Jeremiah 30:17: “For I will restore health to you, and your wounds I
will heal, declares the Lord…”
In
Psalm 41 verse 3: “The Lord sustains him on his sickbed, in his illness you
restore him to full health.”
That
brings me back to the question I often get asked: “Why doesn't your God heal
you? I thought he could do anything?” Yes, why does he not do something?
God
can do anything. It is in his power to heal me. But not in His will. There
is a vast difference.
He
does not want me to be ill and miserable. He does not want me to feel forsaken
and alone, He wants me to live and not survive, to strive and not stumble. God wants me to have a bright future. He wants me to know that He is on my side. He wants me to have a future of peace and prosperity.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future."
-Jeremiah 29:11
Because we are all born in sin, and live in a sinful world, bad things are
bound to happen; to everyone...
He
has a purpose for my suffering. A purpose so great that all of the pain I have to endure now, will be nothing compared to His purpose. Although I don’t know why everything is
happening the way it’s playing out, I am so certain as can be that in the end,
it would all be worth it, for His will is mine.
The Serenity Prayer is something I try to live by, reading it to myself everyday:
“God
grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change
the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”
Just
like Paul felt about the thorn in his flesh, as he described to the
Corinthians, I feel about my weaknesses. This is why it's OK to be chronically ill, or carry any burden:
“Three
times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, ‘My
grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’
Therefor I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s
power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in my
weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For
when I am weak, then I am strong.”
2 Cor 12:8-10
I don't know the journey God has planned for me. I don't know where I am going. I don't know the challenges I will have to face. But what I am certain of; is His forgiving love, favor and grace upon me. I know that I will be able to have a meaningful influence on someones life through my burdens; being a little light in someones darkness. He saved us from eternal death by sending his only Son to the world. We don't deserve his love and grace, but he will always be here, guiding us in His direction.
And in that, I found new hope.
And in that, I found new hope.
With love, as always,
Ané
@type1grace
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