Becoming brave.

Brave. It's a foreign word. Not a word often spoken about. Unless you live in Marvel. Why? Because people claim the word for no reason. Or they accept and apply the meaning to their lives...

This morning in one of my classes, I knew something was not quite as it should be. It’s the start of the flu season in the Southern hemisphere, and any infection always gets to those who have weak immune systems first. I felt feverish and high; and checked my blood glucose. Just my luck; I’m high. 430mg/dL or 24.2mmol. That’s pretty high. If I were to walk through the doors of any emergency room, I would be classified as a patient in desperate need of medical attention. Clearly something went wrong with my breakfast this morning. Even though my breakfast was exactly the same as yesterday’s, and the day before and before... Or maybe it’s because I’m getting sick… Who knows.

When you are high, you would give yourself a shot, and drink plenty of water. Now, giving a shot unnoticed is easy to someone who has been type 1 diabetic since 2010. Unless you are in a very tight space and dressed in layers sitting next to a few class friends in a crowded lecture hall.

I got my insulin vial and my needle & syringe from my pencil bag on the table in front of me. I felt a friend staring at me. I carried on as usual, despite her eyes burning into my flesh from not even winking while staring. (Can’t blame her, now can I?) 

After removing the needle and replacing the cap, I jokingly said, without looking at her, “It’s all legal, you know?” She blushed and quickly focused on the lecturer again.

She turned to me after I placed the insulin in my bag again. She seemed warm-hearted but almost unsettled and hesitant. Her words hit me hard: “You are so brave.”

My immediate response was to say thanks, and then saying that I don’t have a choice.

I am?

Am I really brave?

What does it even mean to be brave?

I always thought being brave is only when you do something good or needed that is not expected from you.

It’s not like I have a choice here, now do I?

So, I’m not brave.

I’m doing what I have to do.

I mean, come on, not injecting will cause my death.

It’s not optional.

But then I thought to myself:

“What if you are brave?”

Looking up the word “brave”, I started loving the meaning.

Brave

/breɪv/

(adjective): ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage.

(verb): endure or face (unpleasant conditions or behaviour) without showing fear.

Showing courage.

Enduring pain.

Ready to face danger.

(Mostly) not showing fear.

Maybe I am brave. I do have plenty of fears and sometimes lack courage, but I am brave. The word brave is such a powerful word to describe people living with chronical illnesses.

I like it.

I am brave, because I fight illnesses invisible to the naked eye.

I am brave, because despite sometimes feeling worthless and alone, I live.

I am brave, because even through immense pain, there will always be a small smile.

I am brave, because I do numerous things that does not even cross a healthy person’s mind.

I am brave, because despite getting two hours of sleep at night, I still carry on just like healthy people.

I am brave, even though I am often scared.

I am brave, because I learned how to carry my burdens, and not be dragged down by them.

I am brave, because I don’t complain or even mention the burdens I carry every day.

I am brave, because not only do I survive, I thrive.

On this Rare Disease Day 2018, I wish to tell everyone fighting a severe illness, visible or invisible, chronic or acute, that you are brave. Own the title of being called brave. Heaven knows, we need each and every compliment and word of encouragement that comes our way. I always ignored compliments or comments like these. Those words that people actually mean. Not because I'm being silly, but because I had the inability to see what they see: a person trying their very best to succeed, despite challenges making it extremely hard to do so. I sometimes see it. Not always, but just enough to give me courage to live.

We are brave. We don’t always have a choice; sometimes brave is all we can be.

And then, when being brave is all that’s left, that’s OK too.

Live with courage, and be brave. 

With love,

as always,

Ané xx

@type1grace